Really Praying for the Gold

Maybe because I can write all my thoughts here because hardly anyone would understand if I talked about it out loud.

It's been more or less an amazing week. I got the lot of my Christmas shopping accomplished. My family got the Christmas tree set up, and it felt amazing because we didn't set it up last year, so it was more or less an emptier Christmas. That tree's been one of the biggest parts of my Christmas season because that tree is older than me, literally.

The Youth Ministry kicked off the grand Christmas party last night. The turn out turned out a lot more than I ever imagined. In short, it took the crowd some beating in, but each of us managed to get them going. All of the games, comedy, food, and dancing really stole the show for the night. Overall, the night was an unbelievable success.

I got to see my darlin' this week so often that it felt all surreal. I spent the daytime of her birthday last Wednesday, as well. It was an amazing time. I never thought that day could have gone any better.

The week, overall, turned out to be an astounding time.

...At least, it lasted for the most part until the end. Sort of.

Friday night, Nikki and I were talking on the phone... It seemed more low beat than any conversation we've had lately. We kept talking about what would happen were we to break up. That us not being together forever, in a more realistic sense. She also said that she firmly believes in the fact that there is always someone else.

Go figure that when she said that, my body, in all honesty, shot bloody cold. I had trouble breathing. I didn't know what to think or feel.

I mean, I told her that hey, there could be some perfect guy for her somewhere out there. She told me she didn't anyone else. But she can also sweet talk, too.

After that, I started talking like an emo boy. Heh, funny because that's how I was in high school deep down. Maybe not a lot has changed between now and then.

Dump me in a bed of sharks, I'll find a way to swim and break my way out.
Put me in a room with a bunch of gang-bangers. I'd take to the plate and beat them all down and run.
If I stood in between my loved ones and an army, let me take some time to pray to God for strength and will, and I will charge in strong.

However, force me to stand toe to toe with someone I dearly love, a love I've honestly never felt, and have her tell me that it's over and that there will always be someone else... Why is this the only situation where fear takes over? All I see is myself falling to my knees... Praying, and screaming.

It crossed my mind, I was afraid she was going to break up with me. Was she getting bored of me? Did she get tired of me? Maybe she found someone better?

Maybe I’m just freaking out over something that I’m overthinking?

Saturday turned out better. Our interactions felt more normal. Practice was a killer, though. On the phone Saturday night, the interaction was not like the night before, but it still left me with the same fear. Robby, what the hell is wrong with you?

Where is all this fear coming from?

Sunday was a pretty fun day. The morning interaction was a lot of fun with all the kids in the backseat of my car. Jenny’s friend that was doing the make up for the performance really rocked out with that. The performance itself, well, it was quite the chill. It’s only been the second time I danced in front of a captive audience. But it was all for God, so I had to overcome the chill and take that next step forward. It all ended well. That energy stuck throughout the day. Throughout Sunday School, I had so much energy that I think I overdid it yelling at the kids... I really have to keep cool despite all the energy. At some point in the service, Nikki said she loved me. It really brought up my day, believe it or not. Though there are times where I feel jealousy whenever the new teacher Giovanni talks to her because out of all the teachers he talks to, he approaches her the most. Heh, Nikki always did have a thing for... older men. However, I trust her that she’d never do anything behind my back.

Despite that, why does the fear still remain?

After setting up tables for Noel’s 50th birthday, Miss Valencia invited me over for coffee. Who was I to resist an invitation? I came over, and Nikki split her food with me and I drank the coffee that grandmother gave to me. We watched Marley and Me. Well, Grandmother, Senora Elena, and myself did. Nikki, Abby, along with Miss Valencia fell asleep. After the movie ended, I dozed off as well. We awoke once we all had to return to Rebano for the party. At the party, it was a lot of fun being in a Puerto Rican environment. Though it is always like this for me, when I’m in a new environment with a lot of people I do not know, I tend to get shy and really quiet. It was a somewhat awkward environment. Nikki was text messaging with a guy with a brief history with, and that worried me a bit too... Jealousy, probably. However, after a while, Nikki and I were talking about random stuff, and we got back to normal.

Well, normal as normal can be. Damiras ended up rebooting the cha-cha slide towards the end of the night - The same cha-cha slide that we used during the Youth Ministry party. Noel had the mic in his hand, and I took it from him and put it back on the stand and told him to get in on it since he was the birthday primo.  Oddly enough, I ended up joining him so it would egg him into doing it. Haha, it was a hilarious time.

Perhaps I really was making a big deal out of nothing. Paranoia and fear got the best of me.  Though the truth, or thought, remains... We don’t know what the future holds. Though I do remember the text that Nikki sent me on her birthday, that she wanted to grow old with me. In the end, that was enough to give me hope. Pastor Freddy said this is the season for relationships to flourish.  Miss Valencia said to keep praying for the best. I shall keep doing that.

I am only human, really. I let in a breath of hope, and I try to breathe out the fear. I hope that God will heal me of all this anxiety and fear, and bless this relationship and life.

Robby, you naive bastard.

I guess when it really counts, I'm a guy that has a very uncommon fear.

Dump me in a bed of sharks, I'll find a way to swim and break my way out.

Put me in a room with a bunch of gang-bangers. I'd take to the plate and beat them all down and run.

If I stood in between my loved ones and an army, let me take some time to pray to God for strength and will, and I will charge in strong.

However, force me to stand toe to toe with someone I dearly love, a love I've honestly never felt, and have her tell me that it's over and that there will always be someone else... Why is this the only situation where fear takes over? All I see is myself falling to my knees... Praying, and screaming.

"Why the change of mind?" "It was more of a change of heart." - Anastasia

"'Why the change of mind?'

'It was more of a change of heart.'" - Grandmama and Dimitri [Anastasia]

A good friend of mine at Rebano asked me today why did I decide not to leave? To be honest, ever since Saturday, I had decided that I really wanted to leave. However, as the day progressed... I slowly decided otherwise.

Nikki and I ended up talking Saturday Night / Sunday morning. It had appeared that she had every right to ignore and be pissed at me. Though it had been unintentional and ignorant of me, I had been talking to another girl that is a helper at the services. Though I had zero intention to flirt with her, that is the very action that people had observed looking at it from the outside. Also, I had been very irresponsible because I had not gotten the decorations and other stuff required for the setup for the weekend, and Nikki got the heat for all of it. That among all the other pressures that came up that weekend really took a toll on her, and a good portion of it was completely my fault.

I had really thought she was going to break up with me, but after that conversation with her, it looked like that God had really decided to give me another chance to prove my worth as a boyfriend and as a disciple. So I went on Sunday with my head held high, and more optimistic - the only optimism that I had all weekend.

We did a couple of runs of the dance before the actually gig. In the downtime once the service started, I stood outside of the dance room for the service. Between my arriving there and the time I got out there for the service, I had injured my back. Actually, I re-injured my back.

As if there wasn't enough on my plate already.

I had so much on my plate, that I really needed to talk to God. I had found a spot on the side close to where the singers and musicians sit, and I sat there alone. One of the singers, Omar, had asked the crowd "How many people believed that God was for them? How many believed that God will always be there? Not when we need Him, but when we really needed Him the most?"

Did I really deserve God to be there for me? Especially when I messed up so bad? Cmon, kid.

After they asked us to sit, Jet came up to me. He asked me what I was doing there by myself. I told him that I was nervous, so I needed some time alone. Has asked me if I had anxiety, and I smiled and said yeah. I was anxious, for far too many reasons. I was praying that God would give me the strength to break through the hard times and be able to stand strong for the person He meant me to be.

It was funny because we thought it was our time to do our performance. However, as we got on stage, I put my head down and closed my eyes, really hoping for a good performance. I didn't realize that Pastor Freddy told us to get off... I had heard that Jessica was telling me to get off, and I looked up and everyone was already by the side doors. I got up quick and ran to the side. Wow.... talk about embarrassing, eh? When I got to the dance room, everyone was laughing at how they were all like "Oh no, we left Robby on stage!" Jet told me that he looked at me and he was like "Oh no, forget him!" as he ran off stage. So we were just relaxing in the back. Jet, Karina, Jessica, and myself were running through our parts multiple times... Despite the fact that my back was progressively getting worse.

Once it was getting close, we sat outside and listened to Pastor Ruth's preaching. For some reason, her preaching really did hit home. I had to hold back the tears because I knew she was right, and I was a complete fool. But, she said towards the end that though we may always stray away, God would always be there to welcome us back as long as we were willing to change.

The time grew close to the dance, and we took our spots on stage. As we did our performance, we really did our thing out there. It was a rush, but it really got the job done. The first time was good, the second time was amazing. The second time, the crowd was really into our dance, cheering us on. Priscilla always told us to perform at practice like we would on stage. However, when we really got on stage, I was really feeling the energy. It was an amazing experience, and my back hardly acted up. As we took our cues off the stage after the second time. The rush remained. Maybe we really did a good job expressing God's word through dance.

However, the day wasn't done yet. There was still the service to go through. Sonia had me do runs around with kids and other random errands. Tete and Jerika noticed how my back was hurting. After going up and down the stairs numerous times, it was a miracle I lasted so long before I really started to slow down. Tete said a prayer for my back, and it really warmed me up inside. It kept me going. Jerika and I talked a lot, as well, about random stuff in our personal lives.

The day continued, and after all the running around, the service slowly came to an end. As I did a few last errands, I had to head back to the main building. Left and right I was getting compliments on a dance well done. Heck, even Pastor Ruth said we did extremely well. That was enough to make me feel like a little kid deep down.  I saw Pastor Freddy because I had to give him Matthew's coat, and he was complimenting the performance and all the energy that we brought to the alter. He said the choreography was great, and he was expecting great things for the future.

As we finished up in the cafe, I was talking with Miss Valencia and Nikki's grandmother. I got really excited talking to them. I kept asking Nikki's grandma about if she enjoyed the service. Nikki told me that she liked the haircut, and she said that she enjoyed the service. It was nice. Miss Valencia found out about my back, and she was yelling at me, telling me how young I am and already I have a bad back. I really couldn't help it. Just had to keep pushing.

I walked Nikki, Abby, and the grandmother to the car. Before she got in the car, Nikki said that she loved me. Oddly enough, I felt like such a little kid, or an adult with a really huge feeling that had been requited, to be more precise. At that point, I did not care about my back, or how much pain I was in. The love of my life said that she still loved me. It gave me energy to press on. I went back to Rebano to help with the cleanup. Although that was going to be cut short because Miss Valencia told me to go take them back to Senora Elena's place because they were all tired. After I got back, I helped with the clean up. Though my back was hurting, I still pressed on. Miss Valencia, however, noticed how much my back was affecting me. She took my broom from me and told me to go home and relax. Reluctantly, I left. Before I left, Miss Valencia said that "we love you". I... didn't know how to react to that.

As I went throughout the day, many of the kids were all like "Aww look at the lover boy" "Look at Robby, has a huge crush on Nikki!" Abigail had my pumpkin as I was about to leave, and she was like "You should give it to the love of your life Nikki!"

More and more, I kept realizing the blessings that God had left for me. There was another chance in all that despite the fact that I really messed up. I felt like I didn't deserve it... I really didn't. Nikki could have broken up with me and left me at any time this weekend. Miss Valencia could have shut me out at anytime as well, as well as everyone else at church for all the times I messed up. However, there's a chance in all that crap in me, and now I'm going to act on it. I'm going to change how I act at Rebano. I'm going to do better. I'll make sure that they all get the point.

Rebano, looks like you'll have to bear with me for longer now.

Thank you, God, for helping me get through this.

Nikki, I love you, and I will do better now. <3

Watching The Candle Flicker Out In The Evening Glow. I Can't Let Go.

I logged into Facebook periodically throughout the week. I kept reading people’s status comments, and a good number of them said they were having bad weeks. Well, they would have been more less saying the same thing. I remember simply thinking, “Damn. That bad, eh?”

Really wish I could read the signs once in a while. I never thought they’d do me any good... But I should have caught on at some point, huh? A shame it took my bad week a while to fully kick in.

Thursday kicked in. The usual would happen. At some point in the day, I’d pick up Nikki and Abby from school and I’d take them either home or their aunt’s place. After dropping them off, my original intent was to buy pumpkins to help set up for the festivities for the days to come. I had not realized that I was supposed to be at Rebano early to film the footage for the dance this Sunday [tomorrow]. So I had to turn around and then drive back to church. Once we got the video cracking with Jenny done, I saw Miss Valencia. I tried saying hi to her... But she ignored me. She looked like she was in a hurry, but I didn’t wish to push the issue.

The dance practice started... I thought everything was okay, aside from my feet and body feeling the sweat and heat. After the practice was over, I saw Nikki and Abby leaving. I wanted to see where they went, but they were nowhere to be found. One of the girls from the dance said they went to the cafe. I figured I’d head over there. When I got there, Esmeraldi came out, and she told me they were upstairs. For some reason, I hesitated going upstairs. I thought maybe it was such a hectic day that I figured they were just on edge. I left for home.

I got home in time to see my mom getting ready for work. I did notice that her voice was getting somewhat raspy, but she told me that she was fine. That night turned out to be plain weird. I couldn’t sleep. Go figure. I’m so used to talking to Nikki and falling asleep on the phone with her to the point where she doesn’t call me or text me, I sleep funny. I sent her texts that night and she didn’t respond. I figured she fell asleep and was just tired... Despite the fact I couldn’t sleep, the night was okay. Just stayed up and played video games.

Then I get a call from work asking me to come in early. I did. Like six on the morning early. For the most part, I kept to myself the entire day. The usual jokes would not be directed at me, or I wouldn’t get involved in any of the joke-telling. I left the same way I worked - quietly. I left at 6. First time I worked a 12 hour shift, only to have to do more that evening.

I went to Rebano, and I had an interesting encounter with a gentleman named Eric. He’s the drummer for the Friday and Sunday services. I had my guitar with me at the time, and he noticed that. We started talking about all this random music stuff, and he ended up inviting me to watch them jam upstairs before the service started. After receiving messages from Darleen saying that she was going to be late for our 7 o’clock appointment, I went upstairs and watched them jam. Eric, Ruben, and Omar were extremely welcome. They all asked if I was going to jam out with them that night. They’re so much better than me, and I told them that. They immediately brushed that off, and Omar said that they’re just jamming. He asked me why I didn’t audition. I gave the same reason. They just laughed. I felt like such a rookie among them. Maybe it’s my inexperience. Probably because they really were that much better. Ruben told me to watch him so he can teach me a few things so I can really jam with them during the services. Unfortunately, I had to leave for my appointment when Darleen arrived.

My conversation/interview with Darleen went really well, also. Not much to really say about it, except that she’ll keep me posted on what’s to come.

After the interview, I ran straight to the cafe where the talent show was. I kept to myself most of the time as I watched the kids do their performances. They were more excited than they were at rehearsals. They were so excited, it was not easy finding any signs of nervous reactions. As for me, I really didn’t talk to anyone like I usually do. Nikki never made eye contact with me. If she did, it’d be so brief that she may as well be looking at a stranger. Her mother also dumped the candies on me and told me that I had to stand by the door and hand them out. Only me - she said. At those moments, I realized that I really was a stranger.

Amazing how I spent a couple months at that place, and how much it hurt to realize that it may have meant nothing now.

After the service, I bumped into Tete on the way down. I swallowed a lot of fear, but I asked her if they were mad at me. She smiled at me, and told me no. That they’d never be mad at me, and that I was special. She asked me if I knew that, and I smiled and told her no. She just put her arm on my shoulder and told me that I was. It felt nice inside hearing that. However, it just wasn’t the same.

I made my way to the alter and I found everyone practicing. I rushed over and got on and did what I had to do. It was ever closer to the real thing, and it was the first time I felt the true heat of the alter, sinking into my skin as the heat overcame my body and my skin started to sweat. That mixed with barely an hour of sleep did not mix very well. However, I had no choice, I had to press on with practice.

In the back of my mind, I kept wondering what Nikki was thinking, what she was feeling. Did she even realize I was there? Or was I just a stranger, a nobody, a person of her past that she no longer had any love for?

As the practice went on, I really started to wonder if this dance was starting to become my parting gift to Rebano. There was a dark animosity in the atmosphere, looming over my shoulders, laughing at my moment of losing all sanity. It was then I realized that if I remained, it would only make me feel ever more uncomfortable.

So from then on, I had the intention of this being my final appearance.

I have no intention of leaving that taint of awkwardness in the air of church. None.

As I got off the alter after prayer, I got my stuff together. I saw Nikki and Abby already got their stuff together and rushed out. At that point, I figured following them would be virtually pointless. So I took the opposite route and headed for the bus. As I got onto Western and crossed to the bus stop, I caught a glimpse of their car leaving fast going down Division. It’s funny, if I even attempted to pull a stunt like walking home late after church, I would have at least gotten a phone call of where I was if I was not stopped all together. However, it was all me that night. I went home in the darkness. It was a quiet ride despite the bunches and crowds of people that cluttered the bus.

Nothing registered. Nothing. No one.

Only the cluster-fuck that clouded my mind.

As I got onto Belmont, I got really curious. So, I called one of the very few people that I could trust with my personal life - Hussain. I called him for a favor. I asked him what my relationship status was on Facebook. Unfortunately, he was not home yet, so I had to wait. I told him to tell me when I saw him online.

As I got off the phone with him, I looked at my surroundings, and I saw the lady sitting next to me on my left side smiling at me after we made eye contact. I smiled back, for it would be rude if I did not return the smile. After that, I zoned back out into my own personal world. I remember letting out a sigh, and after that, I snapped back into reality once the lady that smiled at me asked me if I had a long day.  I smiled, and said “Yeah, you can say that”. I asked her the same and she said that she had a long week, and a horrible one at that because she’s a nurse in the ER rooms. She was telling me her stories, and I did not wish to be rude, so I shared with her my stories. She kept reassuring me to give it time and it’ll all work out. She thought that the young couples make the cute ones. I wanted to hug the lady for giving me some confidence. She then mentioned to keep the prayers up, as well. That left a warm feeling in my heart, too. As I was getting off the bus, she told me that she’d keep her fingers crossed for me and kept me in her prayers. As I got off the bus and waved her good-bye, even though I wanted to just lunge myself into the street, she really made my night.

As I walked home from Belmont and Central, all I took note of the night was the clouded moon, my footsteps, and the wind. I made several attempts to call her, and nothing came. All I had were left voice mails from me. As for what else happened that night, I’m really not having the gut to talk about. Except that she did get back to me through texts, but she won’t tell me directly why she’s ignoring me, and I spent a good portion of the night talking on the phone with Hussain.

Today was utter misery. I got up from my bed feeling like my heart didn’t exist, and my arms and legs were nothing but numb. As my mom came home, her condition worsened. I was so tempted to stay home and just call off work, but it pained me worse that she told me that she wanted me to go to work and to help at church. That pained me the worst over anything... Because home was where I wanted to be, but I knew if I stayed, it would have insulted my mom because I wasn't obeying her.

At work, I dropped a printer from top stock and a large piece of furniture on my gut, and a heavy corrugate onto my foot. On my way to church in the hopes to help set up, I almost got into numerous car accidents because of my recklessness. Then, when I arrived, hardly anyone was there. As I left the parking lot, I saw Orlando, and I asked him if they were still setting up. He told me that they just finished, and he pointed towards the cafe, and said that they’re right there. I looked at that direction, and I saw Nikki walking towards Western.

At that moment, my world froze... At that point, I thought that it was really over. She walked away from me... and did not even look back.

Orlando tried to whistle out to her to turn her around. She didn’t turn around. The second time he whistled, I told him to don’t worry about it, and that it was okay. I drove off immediately after that, but as I caught a glimpse of Orlando, he kept trying to get a hold of her.

As I drove home, I realized that through all the pain, sweat, and tears, this really could be the last hurrah. The worst part is, I’d have no say in it without making a drastic scene. I wouldn’t want to involve anyone else in that particular scenario and not embarrass anyone. Thus, I’ve decided that the dance upon the alter of Rebano will really be my last hurrah. Once the dances start, I will give it my all like I never have before. I’ll dance for God and myself. Once the dances are over, I’ll disappear just as suddenly as I first started coming to Rebano. My continued presence after this point will be nothing more than an awkward nuisance amongst everyone and myself, so remaining will only make things worse.

I’ve had the greatest times at Rebano with all the other teachers, parents, and kids, especially. I’ve been eternally blessed, and I will keep everything I learned at Rebano very close to my heart.

I’m going to miss all of them, all of you. I’d like to hope that they’d miss me too, but I know deep down that it won’t happen.

Nikki... I’m sorry. For whatever it is that I did to put you through what you’re going through now. I’d get on my hands and knees in the middle of traffic if only for you to realize how sorry I am. I know that once you get back on your feet again, you will forget all about me. You will find some other guy who will steal your heart away and will treat you, your mother, and your sister right. He’d treat them so right in ways that I never did or could. I’m sorry for my incompleteness, and my weakness. I pray for that chance to make it all up to you as well as everyone else. However, that day will come only if you so wish it of me. I’ve given you that special piece of me that I never even dreamed of giving to anyone, despite the short time we’ve been together. I love you Nikki Maldonado. I do. I will keep my heart and my doors open for you. I only pray you haven’t closed your heart off to me to let that not sink in.... Please....

.....

The worst thing about something happening... is when you don't have a choice in it.